Dating Unemployed…Will Work for Love!
Recently I have been approached by singles who want to know how to date while unemployed. Looking for love is challenging enough in today’s world but when you add being unemployed to the mix, many choose to take a dating hiatus. Unemployment is on the rise in many states according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, so you are not alone. Being single and dating, we are all aware that at some point, what you do for a living is going to come up on the dating scene, leaving many to ditch dating altogether. Sadly, there is no denying that being unemployed can affect your dating life in various areas from your self-esteem, financial ability to date, social expectations and other aspects of your dating life. Unemployment can last as long as a couple of years for some, so taking a dating hiatus might not be the best way to tackle dating while unemployed as you could miss out on meeting that special someone that could prove to be the one in good and bad times. So for those brave enough to move forward with that challenge let’s discuss those challenges, what to look for if you choose to date someone unemployed and hopefully I can offer you some tips on how do you date when you are unemployed.
No matter how or why you are unemployed, job hunting at some point will affect your self-esteem and find it’s over flow in other parts of your life. Your dating life is no exception. The longer it takes to find new work, the more the affects begin to show and your self-esteem can take a beating. As a result, many choose to step back and not date at all while unemployed. There is nothing wrong with that if it works for you. I will state that dating is like a job hunt, your chances of finding the one will be greatly lowered if you do not apply for the date! Rejection is a part of life not limited to job hunting, rejection in the dating arena will wear you down employed or not. So stay positive and try not to take it personal and try again. Take your time and pace yourself if you need to but you don’t have to give up dating completely, instead maybe date occasionally as your job hunt schedule and self-esteem allows.
Some other challenges are social norms and stigmas attached to being unemployed or what I like to call the provider syndrome! Socially and statically women do prefer not to want to date men who are unemployed. We women tend to have what I consider some outdated dating standards. We tend to confuse a man’s income with his ability to protect and provide for us, even given that women (although still not paid equal for the same jobs) actually out earn men in our country. A sad reality that I think we need to look a bit deeper into before determining if a man’s unemployment as it equates to is he dating material. What does it means to protect and provide in today’s society with 2 income households. Many women feel protection comes from having a partner who makes more than them or at least as much as them. We hated when men in the past discounted us for being an at home moms because we felt we contributed to whole household along with our working husbands even while not in the workforce. How then can we say that a man is not capable of contributing to our lives by not being employed or underemployed simply based on his income status alone? To protect and provide does not only incubus financial standing. Consider how you feel protected emotionally, physically and financially. Find balance in that and you will be able to look beyond unemployment.
Not to leave the men out of the equation as I do often have many men who specifically request dating matches from women employed and with certain income ranges too. Many want a women’s income to be an asset to the marriage and household overall. Some want a woman who makes less as that is how he is accustomed to feeling like he is protecting her (yes a bit outdated for some, but if you can afford to live on one income, don’t knock it but don’t force it on her either). Others prefer a women who makes less in hopes that she could afford to stay home to raise children should they desire and the loss of her income won’t hurt the family standing overall. Yes, ladies there are still some men who would love to have a women stay home and raise the kids…although not always possible in today’s economy with the financial responsibilities of having children. For the record, stay at home moms/dads deserve the same respect as those who work. Now while some like women unemployed or underemployed others want a woman who works. Having had previous marriages and children many men have financial obligations that will affect their home for several years to come and have to consider how future financial obligation and incomes would affect the overall ability to maintain a decent life for his future family. It various depending on their age, desires to have children, where each party is in their life, retirements, and many other considerations.
In the past it was the norm for women to allow their careers to take a back seat to the men in their lives but these days, with internet, educational strides and transitional career opportunities being based in various states and pay structures, it could mean either man or woman would have to reconsider taking a back seat to the other. We live in a time where people transplant for employment all over the world. Other factors such as being near children from previous relationships, aging parents, closing businesses, entire industries coming to an end and new one emerging, you have to really consider “the why” of your potential dates not being employed at this time.
Ok, your finances are suddenly not what they used to be and you don’t know how long that will last but you are still pounding the pavement for that job that is just around the corner. You have been out all day and now the night has come and you would love to spend time with a special someone too. Reality we all have bills to pay. You just have to be more frugal about how you spend your while still looking for work. You now have to impress your date on a lil bit less financial and more on you! Its ok, to be realistic with your finances, in fact I advise it. Don’t go overboard trying to impress your date with something you cannot really afford. It won’t impress anyone to date high end and set expectations that you cannot maintain on your real budget, only to end up so broke you can barely make the rent. Create a dating budget and work within it. Be creative. If you find from time to time, your budget needs a break from dating, pace yourself and take a small break from time to time.
When setting a dating budget, my advice is to first, be honest with yourself and set a realistic budget for entertainment for your dating budget. Secondly consider a variety of inexpensive or free ways you impress a girl in advance. Get creative; there are a variety of ways to impress your date. Cook her a romantic dinner at home or her place, picnic in the park, visit your favorite Art Gallery, Wine Tasting, or head to the nearest park or beach, or catch a Matinee. Check your community for a list of fun free and inexpensive events in the area. By being aware of alternative creative dates in advance you don’t come off half hazard thinking of dates at the last minute. 3rdly, do not come off as cheap, maybe your can’t take your date to dinner on a weekly basis but mix it up a bit and take him or her to dinner occasionally between a few inexpensive dating experiences. Yes, ladies, it is ok to take a guy out to dinner or even cook dinner too. I promise it won’t set us back gender wise, lol. Lastly, if your financial situation is so bad that you can’t afford your rent, pay your basic living expenses or barely buy yourself dinner, I personally say, take a dating hiatus and get on some form of stable ground. If you can’t afford to take care of yourself, you are not in a position to bring someone else in the mix and better off focusing on you for a bit more at this time.
Yes, at some point the question of what do you do for a living will come up. Keep it simple, Keep it honest, Keep it brief, Keep it Positive! You may not have a job but you do have a career path. So say that I am in Contractor, IT professional, or whatever it is you do. I am currently looking or in between jobs or exploring creating my own business (be honest, if you are not creating your own business please do not say that). Be honest so that you allow your date to have reasonable expectations for the both of your at this time. Be positive, unemployment is a temporary situation, not a permanent lifestyle. Do not dwell on your lack of employment during the course of your dates…just as no one wants to sit across from a date who talks all night about their ex, they do not want to sit across from someone who talks about how bad things are for you while you are looking for work. No one in their right mind thinks unemployment is a joy. Yes, it is not the greatest situation but you are supposed to be getting to know each other in a pleasant environment. If you find that want to mutually continue dating and remain unemployed for some time, then grant that person the time earned to see how you handle life’s hurdle but not all on a first date.
I do have to throw in another dating NO! Must be said, as this has happened to a few singles… Do not ask your date to inquire about a job position for you on a date, he or she is not the classified section. And you are likely not to have a second date. If you feel they dating you in hopes of working you, your company or connections refer them to the company website and call it a night. If they want a reference, politely say no, after all you just met and again send them to the company website, like all other applicants. You supposed to be on a date not a networking meeting for to interview a new co-worker!
Now you met a wonderful guy or girl but he/she is unemployed at the moment, what should you consider when dating someone unemployed? I would start with “Why” is your date unemployed, how long has the unemployment been, is your date unemployed often, and how does he/she handle being unemployed? Personally I think you can learn a lot about a person when dating someone unemployed or underemployed. You will find out how they handle stress, money, problems, and more. Now mind you these Red Flags are not mean to stop you from hitting the door to go out on a date but should they appear take them into consideration as you determine to continue to dating this person on a case by case basis and over the course of time. Ask yourself “Why”
“Why” Was your date let go? Was it due to legitimate reasons or potentially harmful reasons like lawsuits, criminal actions, or unethical reasons? A person makes mistakes and yet some are just poor characters underneath! Has the situation been resolved, will it affect you and your potential relationship future. Does the reason reflect on the person’s true nature and character? Everyone is innocent until proven guilty but be sure you are ok with being in the mix for the long haul as you may get pulled into drama unknowingly. This is not about being in a judgmental place with your date but more about knowing what you are getting into should you find out that your dates exit from employment still has future repercussions and what you are willing to forgive, forget and be party to. For example, how would finding out your date was fired for discriminatory practices against Jews and your Jewish Aunt came to town? Would the worst case scenario affect your desire for a potential relationship?
How long has your date been unemployed? Stay at home mom for many years, returning back to school, personality issues or other reasons like jail time. Being unemployed is not always under our control but at some point you will want to know that your date has a plan. Sometimes, their current job skills do not match the current work force, watch how they resolve the changes, maybe even at some point offer some suggestions but not during date night! The hunt could take a moment or maybe their job was phased out, as long as you can determine that your date is actively looking or has some form of a plan, be open to giving them a shot.
Consider if your date has had too many jobs in short period of time? There is a difference between dealing with someone who will take any job to make ends meet vs. someone who can’t maintain a job because of their inability to show up at work, poor work ethics, poor social behaviors, etc. Take the time, when the time is right to find out more about why this person is jumping from place to place… are they trying to gain experience in different fields, trying to find themselves or do their personality quirks hold them back? Those same quirks could affect your ability to have a relationship with this person.
How is your date handling being unemployed? Does he/she display signs of misguided anger, rage, extreme depression, suicidal tendencies or a complete lack of motivation? Being unemployed is not a pleasant experience so it is normal to have days of frustration or mild depression but if your date is displaying extreme signs on either side, it might be best for you both step back until your date is in a better place. I do not want to see anyone end up in the news in a bad manner. Now, if your date actually has a plan of action where they are actively engaged in trying to change the situation, be supportive but not a doormat. Be open and considerate that they may need to change plans at the last minute for an interview. Your date should also be considerate enough to contact you in advance of any needed changes to your date. You don’t always have to foot the bill either as there are many ways to date even on the simplest budget. Be realistic and understand that they may have to keep it simple from time to time. For those of you who find yourselves needing to fix the problems of your date, please keep your pocket book to a minimum. We have witnessed too many loans and household bills end up in the courtroom. Don’t offer to cover financial bills outside of dating unless you can afford to give as a gift.
So whether you have been downsized, changing careers, sabbaticals, or whatever reason you find yourself unemployed, remember you don’t have to get off the dating band wagon completely or you might just miss out “The One”! And if you find that you are dating a person who is unemployed and actively working on their employment situation, don’t throw in the towel so quickly. Be fair, be open, look deeper!
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